Let me start this email with one sentence - the Spirit is real... and is powerful.
The beginning of this week has been a little harder than I think I've had during my entire stay at the MTC. Things have definitely been ramping up, difficulty wise - I'm setting higher goals and expectations for myself as the weeks progress. And as a result, the first couple of days were hard. I'm used to setting high expectations of myself, but I think that the stress of learning a new language, as well as feeling the weight of responsibility settling on my shoulders, has led to a couple of bad nights of sleep. It's been a while since I've had some of those, not going to lie - and greeting my old friend wasn't really something I was looking forward to.
Like I'm wont to do, I did the only thing that I could - struggle through it. It's something I'm very accustomed to, so I wasn't really concerned about it. But the entire time, I realized that I felt... incomplete, somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it - I was doing everything that I was supposed to, right?
That is, until one of my roleplays went south. Everything was okay, and it turned out to be fine - we were placed into breakout rooms, and one of the other people in my district (group of missionaries) roleplayed as someone who was learning about the Church. For me, whenever I teach, I try to rely on the Spirit to teach - after all, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know each and every one of us individually, and oftentimes, when we're teaching, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will redirect us through feelings and promptings of the Spirit such that the lesson might be more effective, even during roleplays. So long as we're listening, and trying our best to align ourselves with His will, we will be able to hear His Spirit prompting us through small little bursts of peace, or thoughts that slowly bloom in our minds.
But during this roleplay? I felt nothing.
It was something completely foreign to me - during that roleplay, which was one on one, I felt completely and utterly alone.
I know the Lord never forsakes His children - not us as missionaries, but especially those that are learning about the Gospel. Heavenly Father will always help us if we earnestly act in faith and seek after truth - and often times, that is through the missionaries. He will never withhold that blessing - so why had I felt nothing?
Most of my personal studies turned to that moment - the first time I had taught without feeling anything. I stumbled upon the Face to Face with Elder Holland and President Eyring - and one of the things that they said was often, it's hard to receive revelation when our minds are too loud.
I thought about that time and time again - and what I realized was that at that time, my thoughts were so clouded with struggling through, that I had lost focus on the Spirit. It was something strange that I hadn't thought about - but makes sense. The Spirit speaks quietly, urging us to make our own choices and decisions. Usually we associate its withdrawal with our sins blocking Heavenly Father's communication, but it never occured to me that not focusing on His promptings and aligning our will with His might also do the same.
So I did something I haven't done in a long time - cleared my mind.
Usually I have a song playing in my mind while I do tasks, and have thoughts filling the blank space in my mind in order to maximize my focus. But I decided that I would kneel in prayer, and simply... empty my mind.
And as I did, I felt all of my thoughts slip away, and everything faded...
...not to black, but to white.
It was surreal. Why was I seeing white? But as I peered closer, I felt something - the comfort of the Spirit, whose promptings I had missed just earlier that day.
It was a profound experience - and though my sleep hasn't quite improved, I've been able to carry that Spirit with me throughout the rest of this week. And it was challenging - numerous roleplays, two with people from Japan! But as I focused not only on my love for them, but also on listening for the Spirit's promptings above else... I found that somehow, miraculously, I was understanding more and more. And the last one - today - he spoke incredibly fast, faster than I had ever heard someone speak before. And somehow, I was able to understand him and his concerns!
The Spirit is powerful - and is real. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ send the Spirit to our lives to help guide us and direct us, should we be willing to listen. But we should not only be willing to listen - if we are willing to act on the Spirit's promptings, we can know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us.
Often times, if we're struggling to find answers, I've found that the counsel found in the book of James has always comforted me:
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." (James 1:5)
I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live. I know that They are watching over us and love each of us more infinitely than I can imagine. No matter who we are, They love us just the same - and were it possible, They would move Heaven and Earth in order to make sure we were safe and happy.
But because we are spirit children of our Heavenly Father, we are blessed with the ability to think and choose for ourselves - and as a result, if He were to impede on that, He would be stopping our growth. He, like all fathers, wants each of us to learn and to grow as much as we can, and to become the best people that we can be. But ultimately, He wants us to return to Him. And if He can't physically be here with us, He will do the next best thing.
He will guide us from afar. He has given us scriptures - he has given us living prophets who guide us and direct us. He has granted us the Spirit, of which promptings, if heeded and if we take care to hear them, allows Him to directly communicate and guide us.
But most of all, He has sent His only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to allow us to repent of any mistakes that we have made. By suffering the Atonement, we can all be cleansed, should we choose to repent and become better. But not only that - but through the Atonement, Christ took upon Himself the pains and afflictions of the world. He knows what each and every one of us feels. He knows what we are going through. He knows, and He can comfort us through the Spirit, that Holy Comforter, to let us know that He is there, and loves us.
I know that if we act in faith, we can receive a witness by the Spirit that They are there, and that They love us. Read a passage of the Book of Mormon, and in a quiet place, pray to know of its truth, with an open heart to any feelings you might feel. Through the soft, reassuring voice of the Spirit, I know that we can know that They are there.
I've had so many experiences where I've been a witness to Their miracles - and I'm so grateful for their love and their guidance. I know that They will always love us - no matter what. And all they want to do is to help as much as they can - but They still want to allow us the opportunity to choose and decide for ourselves.
Thus, the act in faith - and through it, miracles can occur. That, I know for a surety.
Thank you for reading thus far! I know this wasn't a conventional email - and I apologize! Unfortunately, there hasn't been much more news as of late... If there's anything interesting, I will definitely let you all know!
Oh, what, that news? Ah... yeah, I guess so.
So, uh, hey everyone, I guess I do have a little bit of news...
In the interim while my visa paperwork is being processed, I've received a new mission reassignment... to the Utah Layton Mission!
I'm really excited to go - and I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve, no matter where I am. I know that the Lord wants me there for a specific reason, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for me. Getting to know the people and the families there, seeing all of the beautiful scenery... and hopefully, being able to teach people and lift their hearts. I mention this a lot, but truly, all I want to do is to be able to help people. To lift their burdens, to make their hearts just that little bit lighter. I know my time there might be short, but I want to hit the ground running. I want to be able to help as many people as I can - and I want to show them how much this Gospel means to me, and how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us!
Thank you all for reading these emails! If you ever want to talk about something, or even just want to shoot an email to say hi, feel free! I'd be more than happy to respond as soon as I can.
You all are amazing - and I hope you all never forget that. Remember - you are loved. And you are worthy of being loved.
Take care, everyone! Hope to talk to you guys soon.
Elder Decker
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